Intimate Attentions from Big Bertha

Days Walking - 86

Shows how good my research is, I thought this didn't happen till the summer. Gabe and Adrian were like "Duh!" when I mentioned it. Maybe I'm having memory issues. It's malnutrition, I tells ya!

(That's why a lot of the homeless people you might encounter seem loony - eating random scraps, they begin to have all sorts of mental issues due to malnutrition.)

We're gonna be passing out of the arctic circle soon, so this won't be a factor for us. Oh Good Lady Sharon of Barrow - this will be your first season with three months of eternal sunshine? You'll have to tell us what it's like.

The sun isn't setting for us until about 11:30 at night, which I have to tell you is bizarre. You wanna flick your watch and say "Is this thing broken? Is this AM? No? PM? Ok..." The confusion is worth it though - sleeping a good eight hours, and still having plenty of light for a productive hike is a beautiful, glorious gift.

If you guys have not already, I highly recommend checking out Sharon's Blog. I'm just walking through Ack - she's living it.

Speaking of being homeless, the first thing I would do if I were homeless, I mean like the first day - would be to walk into a store that sold high-priced items (like computers or diamond rings) and very blatantly try to steal something that runs at least a thousand dollars.

Then I'd be arrested, yay. And I'd have a cot to sleep on, food to eat, regular beatings, unwanted intimate attentions from Big Bertha, daily showers, books to read, and so on. When you get out of jail, they help hook you up with a place to live and a job! Hells Yeah baby. No way I'm sleeping an alley, eating food out of trash cans. Prison is the way to go. Plus, the 'Fall and Rise of Litany' memoir would top the NY Times bestseller charts.

CyVault - Greets! I checked my email, and it turns out yours was in the spam folder for some reason. Maybe my spam settings are too severe. When I saw your name, my mind pronounced it Sivault, like a Bizarro Tybalt. I don't know why.

Glad to hear you're enjoying the blog Cy. As I ramble into Marina's voicemail, we are located at 66°56'47N and 150°22'58W. Just how real-time is this spy satellite thing of yours? Can you see me waving? How many fingers am I holding up? Do I have to beware when I squat? You know, when I'm hiding behind a tree peeing, do I have to worry about my pale white ass showing up on radar?

The Great Wall of China, and Litany's Cracker Ass, two things you can see from space.

Hopefully I've heard the last of The Husband situation. I replied to the woman's email and politely tried to explain I've done nothing to encourage her man. I detailed the differences between a blog post and an email. No answer yet, and hopefully there won't be. And I had the impression that the guy just wanted to meet and greet, not join up with the group. I could be wrong... I hope I'm not wrong, that would be scary. "I've left my whole world for you, Litany!"

What do you say to that? How do you convince such a person to return to their responsibilities? I hope I never have to find out. It's my desperate hope that the whole thing is a misunderstanding.

As for Gabe, Kwame, and etc fending off female fans, Hah! They'd be too busy enjoying the attention to do any fending. They dream of waking up in a snuggly spoon-pile of nude gal groupies.

I of course, have no such aspirations, despite my previous, misguided, wicked desires for an all-stud harem. I was very wrong, and will now pursue a virtuous life. The first convent I come across that isn't drafty, I'm signing up. Really... (Wide-eyed innocent blinking, cutely)

I've received very few angry emails, like four or five I think. But they weren't at all funny, so I didn't bother mentioning most of them. A good 99% of the feedback has been very encouraging, which has been great. I Love My Public! All 5 of you! Sniffle!

Litany Webb, signing off

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